"what's love but a sweet old fashioned notion"--Tina Turner

I haven't blogged in days! Christmas eve was crazy. Mike and I were awake until after the alarm went off to get up wrapping santa presents... well I was up wrapping... he was an awesome spectator though. This year's christmas loot was considerably smaller than the past few years, but this year has been out of control for us. The kids were completely satisfied with everything Santa brought, they got everything they wanted. All Avery Grace asked for was a Tinkerbell watch and a DVD player. Cameron asked for a scooter and a new TV, but was most impressed with his DSI. I think that one suprised him more than anything because we literally never even mentioned it at all. As far as the rest of the family, I was extremely disappointed in my sister, both of them actually. What can you do though? I guess family and keeping your kids involved just isn't a priority for everyone. I must learn to accept things that I cannot change. The rest of the kids, minus Blayton and Bristol of course, had a blast. They were hilarious with their Snuggies and stools... and I must say that they were a HUGE hit. Jeff said that the Snuggies were the first thing that the kids told their mom about when he took them home. You really have to check out all the pics... most specifically the ones of the kids doing the Snuggie dance. Hysterical.

Saturday was such a laid back day. Avery Grace and I hit the Easy Bake hard. I let her go at it mostly by herself and she did great. As much as I deny it in front of everyone, I know that child is my clone. She is so damn independent that I can't stand her sometimes. She'll tell me "I don't need you to help me, I can do it by myself"... and the minute she runs into trouble, it's instant attitude problem. Just watching her and dealing with her lets me know just what an absolute handfull I am to live with. Sorry guys ;) The pics are uploaded and they are great. Check em out. We spent the evening in Leesburg and all except for me being ridiculous in my stillettos shlepping around the mall, it was such a fun night. I don't care what kind of mood I'm in, shopping speaks to me. I don't care if I don't buy anything for myself (but let's just be honest, that doesn't happen all that often), I can't be unhappy when I'm getting my shop on.

Just a quick side note... I felt like the lamest chick around, but I actually met the dude bff at Connections Saturday night for a quick minute. Yes, I went to Connections. The worst part of it all was that it wasn't that bad. I had a good time seeing everyone... and I got carded :) I don't care how dark and smoky it was in there, I so got carded.... and for what it's worth, my dude bff is the BEST... and not just because he's mine, he really is the best.

On today's docket, job interview, finding an economical Afrika Bambaataa tshirt, and trying to get rid of the stupid static cling that is driving me mad.

Dear Mariah, I concur. Completely.

Count your many blessings, name them one by one....

Dear God,

Thank you for blessing my life so abundantly. Thank you for my strife and my smile, because they both have their proper place in my life. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for pushing back when I push you away. Thank you for giving me peace when I come to you with an honest heart and ask for it. Thank you for the blessings that I don't see and even more for the blessings that I do

1. My kids... I literally don't know what I would do without them. They make me who I am. They make me better than I could have been on my own.

2. My husband... I know that I do not deserve this man's love. I do not deserve all of the goodness and patience in his soul... but I am so thankful for it.

3. My brothers and sisters... they are a part of my soul. I love them more than they will ever know. I am so thankful for their babies who I absolutely could not live without. I love each and every one of them in a different way and wish there was a way to hug them tight enough to let them know just how much they mean to me.

4. My four parents... they are all so different... and I would rather hang out with them than just about anyone in the world. I have the most hilarious parents ever. They are so far up my business that I can't breathe sometimes, but I swear I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so lucky that I have been able to watch them get older and crazier... and crankier.

5. Landizee. Enough said.

6. My closest and truest friends in the world. The ones that are there to call me on my crap. The ones that are there to hold my hand and never judge me. The ones that accept me for who I am, who know the real me regardless of my actions. The ones who are patient enough for me to figure out my crap, give me tissues and take me shopping. Heather Marie. Warren. Tashina. Katie. I love you. Thank you for being all that you are to me.

I am blessed in so many ways... I'm blessed to live in this country, I'm blessed to have a flower bed full of pine cones outside a home that I love... where the maple leaves littering my yard always make me smile. I'm blessed to have my job. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm blessed to have finally bought my Mercedes... but I sure do love that car :)

Thank you God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for giving me more than I deserve.

Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas to my lovely little reading posse.

Merry Christmas

I know that I am blessed beyond measure. I know that God has a plan for my life. I know that I have strength inside of me that I just have to find. I know that tears cleanse the soul. I couldn't count all my blessings in a single day. Thank you God for your grace and justice. Thank you God for knowing what I need. Thank you for Jesus. I hope everyone that I love has a beautiful Christmas and finds joy, peace and laughter. I love you all.

"I'm not one to 'you know', you know, but the girl sure gets along with the booze Agnes"

BBC America is absoutely ridiculously addictive. I cannot stop watching it.Those brits sure have some moxy, most specifically the pair of hilarious broads on How Clean Is Your House. My DVR is flooded with How Clean is Your House episodes and I watched three episodes while I was getting ready for work this morning alone. Those are some seriously tough chicks. This morning Aggie bent over and picked up a dry brown chunk with bits of hair on it, bare handed, and says "Oh I think this is a turd" and just set it back down. OMG. I don't consider myself to be overly squeamish, but I certainly know my threshold... and 90% of what they touch, bare handed no less, is beyond it. I LOVE it. One of my new year's resolutions is to behave more British... Whether they're talking turds or having tea and crumpets, they're still completely fabulous.

Last night I got to spend some time with one of my dearest friends. It got quite emotional, but I think it needed to. I needed to cry with my friend, I needed to be real with her, I needed to get it out. While my heart felt absolutely no relief whatsoever, my soul did. When all was said and done, my heart was still pieces but I had more peace of mind. I guess I just wanted to scream to the world that I'm NOT okay, that things are NOT what they seem... but you can't exactly scream something like that to the world because frankly, most of it already has their mind made up anyway.... but it felt good to say it to my friend and know that she understood.

Christmas came a little early for me this morning! There is a regular guest that is just the sweetest person ever that I talk to at length about, well, everything. We talk shop a lot. He really digs my style and laughs about the extensiveness and broad spectrum of clothes I have. I am literally taking up 85% of the closet at this point. Well he handed me $100 bill for a New Year's outfit and simply says "Merry Christmas".  WHAT?! OMG! I was STUNNED. I didn't want to take it because that's just... well, wow... but he insisited and I saw how happy it made him to do it. OOOOMMMMG! I am so excited to shop today because sparkle scenerio number one for New Year's Eve is going to happen :)

By the way, speaking of fashion... I finally got around to catching the Alexander McQueen Spring 2010 show this morning... Oh holy night... I am head over ankles. The silhouettes he's introducing have me speechless. As with most runway pieces, you couldn't pull off the exact dramatic lines on the street (unless you're Lady GaGa), but a toned down version is definately in the works for me.

And the last bit of clothes trash talk, a special little bit of thanks goes out to the chemistry behind dryer shrinkage without which the lovely vintage sweater that pairs so nicely with my new brown booties would not have made it to my wardrobe and put a big smile on my face this morning. Loves my Brenda.

Cameron told me he needs some mommy and son crafting time. How irresistably cute is that? We're going to shoot for finishing the little felt gingerbread house I started making for Avery and just haven't had it in me to finish alone. I'm looking forward to it. I miss creating... I'm hoping inspiration might start coming back to me soon. Until then I'll just rely on the bouts of inspiration that the kids get and help them run with their ideas. My son amazes me everyday. Even in the midst of thinks just sucking like crazy, I know how blessed I am.

Song of the day:

Okay, so we're keeping the negativity to a minimum Daddy.

My posts have been a pretty good reflection of my dismal mood lately, which was brought to my attention by my father. Hi daddy :) I'm having good days and bad days, but it seems my little outlet here gets the most attention on the latter. SO... in honor of my paternal influence, there will be nothing but rainbows and butterflies around here today.

I have spent the majority of the day on the phone with my dude bff. He's driving home from Alabama all by himself and I got the pleasure of his company in my ear all morning. As per usual, I get the most random bits of knowledge from him that really makes me question how far under a rock I really live. I guess it's true that the more uncool you become, the more unaware of it you are. I thought for sure that I was going to the cool mom... the "been there and done that, can't sneak jack past me" mom. Ohhh man. I was so wrong. I can't believe what kids these days are into! OMG! I know that we used to do completely ridiculous things when I was younger (did I really just say that??), but kids these days just keep on taking it to new levels... and they actually RECORD it and put it online for the world to see. I'm not so technically retarded that I'm out of touch with YouTube, but I usually have one specific purpose for going there and I'm done. I'm the lame girl that goes to YouTube to listen to music or watch something pop culture related that I missed on TV while I was off hot gluing something. I have never actually explored it to see what kind of random videos are there. WOW. I'm totally locking my kid up. Just the sheer fact that my immediate thought was my child and if these children's mother knew what they were up to shows my age and bold uncoolness. I seriously thought this whole time that Cameron was just uncool doubting my hip-ness. I have apparently turned into "that mom"... "that mom" who thinks she's way more "with it" than she is. You know, to be perfectly honest, I don't care. Sign me up, give me the membership card... I'm SO "that mom" and my kid is getting locked up and parental controlled into the ground. Sure hope he likes mind-your-manners.com and my-mom-rules.com because that's the only internet exposure he's getting.

Speaking of being a mom, my daughter is the most hilarious girl EVER. She came out of her bedroom last night with a hula skirt on her head and says "Hey mommy! Look at me! I'm Lady GaGa" (check out the rest of the pics in my December album--HYSTERICAL) She is now referred to as Avery GaGa around our house.

From December madness

From December madness

From December madness

What a full week this is becoming! I took pictures with the Fugates last night... The Brogans tonight... The Tysons on Thursday morning. Me and the lady posse are starting P90X tomorrow (NOT looking forward to that a bit), and most likely heading to Ocala with Warren tonight. What a busy bee I'm becoming, and I SO need it to squash the negativity that I'm not speaking about today. The most pressing issue today is finding a new year's outfit. Planning a shopping trip with the posse next week to do some sparkle recon. Party plans are in the works... hoping for a good night :) On top of it all, the pageant. STILL have yet to start a workable pageant routine with Avery GaGa. I need to scrape it together folks.

Psst. Job interview on Monday. Fingers crossed. Hoping for the best.

It's beginning to look a lot like... something completely different.

Seriously, Christmas is in five days. FIVE DAYS. I am dreading it. I am dreading Christmas Eve. For the first time in my life I want to skip Christmas. My inner Christmas Nazi is in a coma. I can't wait for it to be over. This holiday is synonomous with what is making my insides ache and it feels too much to handle. Not that the coming holidays after this one are going to be any better... worse even I'm sure. I at one time wished for a stop button... now I just want a fast forward. I want to fast forward through 2010 because 2011 has to be better. I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of wearing my happy face, my "everything is gonna be alright" face, my "absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt" face. I'm exhuasted with the whole thing.... the only time I really feel any better is... well I don't. There's not a second that goes by that I feel better, just moments in time that are easier to cope with than others. I hate feeling this way. I hate not understanding. I hate the ache in the pit of my stomach and the cracks all over my heart. I just want to scream.. and I would if I thought it would change anything or give me a sense of relief for a second. Jeffrey Alan hit the nail on the head when he said that there was only one thing that was going to make me feel better and that's the one thing that would tear me apart.... so quit my whining and toughen the hell up. I'm really trying. Really. I do like my outfit today... I'm going to focus on that. I started watching a really cool new show on TLC this morning. I'm looking forward to catching the end of that sometime tonight... so that's SOMETHING to look forward to. Silver linings, kids, silver linings.

Well I got a new car. I got a new phone. I have new flooring. I have a new crowd. I wish I could grow a new heart. I'm making all of these changes and hoping that the reflection from all the shiny new-ness will shed some light on my life as a whole. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm hopeful. I hate my new phone, but I think I will definately enjoy the savings. I love my new car, just hope like hell that nothing breaks. I'm crossing all fingers and toes for the new job. I think that would do wonders for my mood at this point.. starting something new. I feel so long overdue to be out of here. I have stayed longer than I should and it's definately taking it's toll. My last day here will in no way be bittersweet. I'm ready. I feel like an eighteen year old struggling to get out of their parent's house. It's a feeling beyond the discontent that I've felt for years. It's almost to the point of sheer desperation.

So on the docket this week, I'm doing Christmas portraits for the Fugates and the Brogans. I'm kind of nervous because I haven't done pics in a long time. I'm thinking I should be doing more of that anyway.. it's definately an escape that is so overdue. I ran into Trisha yesterday at Walmart and she asked me if I'd kept up with my photography, and I hated to tell her that I hadn't. I have let so many things go this year.

I hate to put this post out there, so full of negativity... it's just where my head is at. My heart is so torn apart that I'm finding it a little hard to function. I hope to post something with a more positive spin on it by this afternoon. Maybe I'll YouTube some 80s commercials... and thank God that high waisted pants are a thing of the past.