Seriously, Christmas is in five days. FIVE DAYS. I am dreading it. I am dreading Christmas Eve. For the first time in my life I want to skip Christmas. My inner Christmas Nazi is in a coma. I can't wait for it to be over. This holiday is synonomous with what is making my insides ache and it feels too much to handle. Not that the coming holidays after this one are going to be any better... worse even I'm sure. I at one time wished for a stop button... now I just want a fast forward. I want to fast forward through 2010 because 2011 has to be better. I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of wearing my happy face, my "everything is gonna be alright" face, my "absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt" face. I'm exhuasted with the whole thing.... the only time I really feel any better is... well I don't. There's not a second that goes by that I feel better, just moments in time that are easier to cope with than others. I hate feeling this way. I hate not understanding. I hate the ache in the pit of my stomach and the cracks all over my heart. I just want to scream.. and I would if I thought it would change anything or give me a sense of relief for a second. Jeffrey Alan hit the nail on the head when he said that there was only one thing that was going to make me feel better and that's the one thing that would tear me apart.... so quit my whining and toughen the hell up. I'm really trying. Really. I do like my outfit today... I'm going to focus on that. I started watching a really cool new show on TLC this morning. I'm looking forward to catching the end of that sometime tonight... so that's SOMETHING to look forward to. Silver linings, kids, silver linings.
Well I got a new car. I got a new phone. I have new flooring. I have a new crowd. I wish I could grow a new heart. I'm making all of these changes and hoping that the reflection from all the shiny new-ness will shed some light on my life as a whole. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm hopeful. I hate my new phone, but I think I will definately enjoy the savings. I love my new car, just hope like hell that nothing breaks. I'm crossing all fingers and toes for the new job. I think that would do wonders for my mood at this point.. starting something new. I feel so long overdue to be out of here. I have stayed longer than I should and it's definately taking it's toll. My last day here will in no way be bittersweet. I'm ready. I feel like an eighteen year old struggling to get out of their parent's house. It's a feeling beyond the discontent that I've felt for years. It's almost to the point of sheer desperation.
So on the docket this week, I'm doing Christmas portraits for the Fugates and the Brogans. I'm kind of nervous because I haven't done pics in a long time. I'm thinking I should be doing more of that anyway.. it's definately an escape that is so overdue. I ran into Trisha yesterday at Walmart and she asked me if I'd kept up with my photography, and I hated to tell her that I hadn't. I have let so many things go this year.
I hate to put this post out there, so full of negativity... it's just where my head is at. My heart is so torn apart that I'm finding it a little hard to function. I hope to post something with a more positive spin on it by this afternoon. Maybe I'll YouTube some 80s commercials... and thank God that high waisted pants are a thing of the past.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment